Half term heartaches
February 13, 2012
The sporadic nature of posts in this place are a fair indication of the kind of weariness that has befallen this household of late.
A weariness rooted in the whole family’s inability to rub along together, we all seem to want wholly different things from each other right now, and the Tallest in particular is really struggling with it. She is controlling, bossy, serious, and endlessly irritated and annoyed by the antics of her much lighter hearted sister, who cries of ” I’m being a good girl aren’t I mummy?” are NOT helping…
They are both finding it hard to “Tow the Line” as it is called in this household. Hubby and I are in constant discussion as to when did a reasonable request, such as “stop hand standing on the back of the sofa” and “please take off the hair band and tutu off the dog” etc. suddenly become an unreasonable one? Evenings that should be spent colouring, stitching and playing games, have been spent with surly looking girls with crossed arms sitting at opposite ends of the room, unable to offer up any answers as to why it is so difficult to actually comply with any of the requests that we ask of them.
A friend of mine once shared that in any given day throughout one hour in the morning it is usual for a parent to demand over 40 things of their child within the preparations for the day ahead. In this household 10 of those would be given over to just putting on our footwear, and with this in mind we have been trying, with the emphasis on trying here, to be less demanding, less urgent in the tasks we ask our children to fulfil, to give ourselves an extra few minutes so it isn’t the end of the world if it takes ten minutes to get one pair of shoes on….but….. it doesn’t always work like that does it?
I am worn down by the constant battling. I am so frustrated, with myself, for not finding a way to communicate with them that doesn’t sound like I am just telling them what to do all the time, and for them for just, well, ignoring me. A classic example happened to Hubby when he came home from work today.
Hubby: “Smallest, go and sit back down on the seatee like you were told please” (said in a pretty stern tone of voice in lieu of earlier hair pulling)
Smallest: nothing
Hubby: “Go and sit down or I will take away *insert current favourite toy here*”
Smallest: immediately sits down without hesitation
So my dilemma is, how do you help your children to get along without resorting to threats?
Help!
That’s not a threat; Smallest needs to know that there are boundaries and there are reasons (albeit unpleasantly tangible – the removal of toys , privileges &c.) that rules should be adhered to.
Don’t allow either T or S to rule the roost; I know you’ll want them to be included in family life, but that doesn’t involve them running it.
When they’re at school they will have clear boundaries and will, I imagine, know what is expected of them at all times. Perhaps they’re unsure what they can get away with at home now (has anything changed; the atmospehre? time to spend with them?) so they are testing the boundaries again.
You’ll both need a cohesive plan to manage low-level unacceptable behaviour. What will you do when you get the silent but adamant refusal. Hubby’s idea of “If you don’t xxxxx then you will lose xxxxx / we can’t xxxx. Trry repeating comands over and over (sounds boring – it’s called the ‘broken record’) e.g. I need you to get down off the sofa. I need you to get down off the sofa. I need you to get down off the sofa &c. The use of ‘I need’ shows that you are in charge and the repetition implies that there’s no other choice. By all means give T&S choices, but make them Hobson’s choice – “Get down off the sofa or xxxx.”
You could try a sneakier way – “I was just going to [insert something fun that T or S would like to do] Do you want to come? Well, you’ll need to put your shoes on first…
It’s a hard war, but one which must be won; you shouldn’t be exhausted by the behaviour of your girls. I bet they aren’t like that at school but I would stress that it’s not your fault that they are driving you around the bend. Children need boundaries and need to know what they can get away with. Every change in routine results in them working out how far they can go; half term holidays are a change in routine for them – everything is very structured in school but is always less so at home.
Oh, god can you tell I’m a teacher on half-term?
Good luck!
I hope this helps.
Thanks for that! The Tallest always says that she’s SO well behaved at school that she couldn’t possibly be well behaved at home all the time too!
With all of the other things that the Tallest has to deal with, missing school due to hospital appointments etc. and the fact that shoes only follow the sometimes awkward task of putting on orthosis first it’s little wonder that her world feels a little fraught sometimes.
Things have happily been good here for the last day or so, and this has had a positive effect on the Smallest too, as she isn’t feeding off the bad behaviour as it were.
Hope you’re enjoying you last days of the half term holiday.
Lorna x
Lorna – I absolutely feel your pain. What I find helps is remembering that although it feels like all communication has shrunk down to these horrible exchanges it hasn’t and wildly celebrating any happy moments which occur. I use a time out step because I feel like in those moments when they’re ignoring requests etc I can use it as a choice of do it or…. It always worked brilliantly with Z because he couldn’t bear the boredom of it and now it works for him as a calming down place. Ida is harder as she is far more stubborn and will often hit/break/kick and then take herself to the step as though she feels it’s a sanction worth paying… Other than that I swing between coaxing distractions, divide and rule – this is easier because of a bigger gap between Z and Ida so I’ll often get him on side in placating her in some way by playing up how we’re a team and I really depend on his help. Othertimes I descend into the row and punish all indiscrimately – bonding them both by my unfairness. My mum always did this saying if she had to intervene between my sister and I then we had failed to work it out ourselves and both deserved to be punished (usually by sitting in opposite corners!) regardless of the rights and wrongs.
all the very best! xxx
I also bizarrely remove myself from demands sometimes by using the timetable.. so instead of saying I want you to at set times I say now it is bedtime/teatime/tidyup time/ shoetime. Steve says it makes us seem like we’re living in some bizarre post apocalyptic 70′s scifi logans run type world – “the bell says we must eat…” but I find it helps make ME feel less like I’m constantly driving everyone along…
Sorry I’m rambling along – I just totally identified with your post. I so often find myself near to tears and feeling invisible and so often I get swept up in getting louder and shoutier although I know it doesn’t help.
This week I’ve also been trying to notice all the good interactions; the small kindnesses, helpfulnesses and acts of love to shore me up through the battles. Hope you’ve had some better days
We’ve had two great days happily enough, I’m not sure what changed, but the Tallest turned a corner after having a sleepover at Nanna and Granddad’s and so far no major disasters or meltdowns. I’ve been trying harder to use a softer tone of voice, and also dish out the praise as much as i can, and reminding her that the nice things that she does / gets are happening because she’s being the best she can be. The Smallest is having a better time too as there is not so much ‘atmosphere’. Tomorrow is of course another day, and who knows what will happen when term starts again, but thank heavens for these last two days – i don’t know what I would do without them! ( and don’t worry about a rambling post – it does me good to know that i’m not alone in these things lol) Lorna x